PostSecret Pain

This came up at PostSecret yesterday (if you haven't seen or heard of PostSecret - is there still room under your rock? I'd like to join you there). I wrote to Frank Warren about this image, but my comment still hasn't appeared. This postcard broke my heart and rather than wait for him to maybe post my message, I'm putting it here. I don't know what the chances are of the woman who wrote that card seeing this blog (since no one reads it anyway), but I can't just let this sit.

Dear Brave Woman,

I'm writing this letter to let you know what a courageous person you are and you are not alone! I wish I could personally offer you a hand and pull you from his dark cloud, but I think you are on your way all by yourself. Congratulations and keep on!

I know what you're feeling in your gut is miserable. He's your lover, partner, friend. You love him and he loves you. He would never really hurt you. At the same time, he's really raping you, regardless of whether he tacks the words "fantasy" or "pretend" to it. In his head, you're just an object. You aren't a beautiful, loving, intelligent person anymore.

You also know exactly where these fantasies come from and he's made you sit and watch those porn flicks with him. Which feels just as much like rape as what he does to you physically. Have you ever given thought to what else goes through his head? Or what images he's not sharing with you? You have every right to hold a mirror up to him and make him see who he is and what he's doing to you. And if you need help, there are resources.

One Angry Girl
Against Pornography
Pornography and Rape
Robert Jensen (various articles esp. good for men)

Precipitive Insomnia

I haven't slept much in the last couple days. I rarely do when I'm home alone. I don't like to miss anything and no matter how tired I feel, I will fight sleep until it kills me. For some reason I am able to let it go when my partner is around.

However, I am very grateful at this moment to be awake. The world outside is still dark and quiet from its own sleep except for a very gentle rain. It smells so good and the cool breeze feels positively silky on my arms. I wish I could curl up in the breeze. Wrap it around myself and bury my nose in it.

*Smile*

Not the most creative, but I don't care. *I* made it.

Aw 'ell

Ya ever have one of those days where you feel like you really handled something well, but yet you want to a put a new hole in your head over it? Where what you thought was going to be a good thing turned out to be an embarrassing disaster and you know you just have to shake the dust off and move on, but you really don't want to show your face in public ever again.

Yeah.....I had one of *those* days.

Good thing I don't drink anymore....it could've been worse.

random cuteness

Another one bites the dust

Girl, 13, charged with shooting father to death

• Girl shot father in the face while he was in bed
• Home was overrun with animals and filth, police said
• Neighbor: Girl said she killed father because she "couldn't take it any more"
• Girl, 13, charged as an adult with criminal homicide; ordered held without bail
  

BUENA VISTA, Pennsylvania (AP) -- A 13-year-old girl used a shotgun to fatally shoot her father in the head early Monday in a home overrun with animals and filth, police said.

The girl told investigators she used a 12-gauge shotgun to shoot 34-year-old Matthew Booth in the face while he was in bed, according to a police affidavit.

A police complaint did not identify a motive in the killing, but her mother, Michelle Fazek, who was separated from Booth, said she had complained several times to county child welfare officials that her daughter and her brother, 14, were living in squalor and that her daughter had been abused.

"I just want to see her," Fazek said. "She must be so scared."

Messages left for Allegheny County's Office of Children, Youth and Families were not immediately returned.

The Associated Press does not identify victims of possible sexual abuse.

The girl appeared in municipal court late Monday wearing a maroon county jail uniform, her hands and ankles cuffed, where she was charged as an adult with criminal homicide and ordered held without bail.

The house in Elizabeth Township, about 20 miles southeast of Pittsburgh was in deplorable condition, police said.

"They had a number of animals, dogs, cats and rabbits. They hadn't cleaned up after them," said James Morton, assistant superintendent of Allegheny County Police. The two-story frame house had dirty, peeling white siding, and a downstairs window was boarded up.

Matthew Booth's neighbor Suzanne Gruber told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that the girl had told her she had killed her father because she "just couldn't take it any more." Gruber said the girl also told her she had been abused.

In an interview with KDKA-TV, Gruber said the girl said "she messed up the house to make it look like somebody had broken in and she ended up shooting him in the face."

Gloria Brown, who lives two houses down from the Booth house, said the family moved in last year. She said she offered to let the girl, who seemed shy, stay at her home.

"I just know something wasn't right at the house," Brown said. She said she last saw the girl Sunday making a sandwich for her father at a birthday celebration at the Brown house.

"I was totally shocked when it happened," Brown said.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Bloody vengeance

'Dark Angel' kills & mutilates her stepdad over sex abuse: probers

BY ALISON GENDAR, JOE GOULD and DAVE GOLDINER
DAILY NEWS WRITERS

Monday, July 30th 2007, 4:00 AM

---

Brigitte Harris is the suspect in a brutal slay of Eric Goodridge in her Queens apartment.

---

She lured her stepfather to a Queens apartment, then handcuffed, asphyxiated and sexually mutilated him - all to settle a horrific score from two decades ago, sources said.

Cops investigating the twisted slaying of Eric Goodridge, 55, believe stepdaughter Brigitte Harris, 26, cut off his penis to exact revenge for alleged sex abuse when she was a girl, law enforcement officials said yesterday.

Harris, who called herself the Original Dark Angel and Lady Vengeance, left chilling notes in her Rockaways apartment accusing Goodridge of abuse and justifying her crime, sources said.

"He wrecked my life," read one note found near her stepfather's body Saturday. "At first, I blamed myself. Now I know it's not my fault," another said.

"She planned this - it was premeditated," a law enforcement source said. "In her mind, it was justified vengeance."

Police recovered a bloody knife and caught up with Harris after she checked herself into a mental hospital and ranted incoherently about the slaying.

Goodridge, an emigrant from the West African nation of Liberia, had arrests for reckless endangerment in 1978 and menacing in 1982, but no details were available.

Harris was born in 1981.

Police said Harris sent e-mails to Goodridge to lure him to her apartment. Then she handcuffed him to a chair, gagged him with duct tape and throttled him until he died, authorities said.

He was already dead when she cut off his penis, officials said, noting there would have been much more blood if he had been alive when it was severed.

"This is a homicide that had meaning and reason," said one source. "It is like a movie, let me tell you."

The cause of death was "homicidal violence, including gagging and neck compression," according to a medical examiner's spokeswoman.

Goodridge lived in Staten Island when he was married to Harris' mom. He later married another woman, who died five years ago.

That woman's mother defended Goodridge yesterday as a decent dad to his other children, who are now orphaned.

She acknowledged hearing rumors that Goodridge had abused Harris - but she didn't think it was true.

"I would die if I could believe that," said his former mother-in-law. "He wouldn't pay child support, but I wouldn't believe that."

But a former brother-in-law said he had also heard of the sex abuse claims long before Goodridge's shocking death.

"It stands to reason if someone pulls a Lorena Bobbitt, there's a good reason," he said.

Harris has twice made criminal complaints against her stepsister Carleen Goodridge, once for grand larceny and once for assault.

Carleen Goodridge said she couldn't talk about the dark family secrets behind the slaying.

"It will all come out," she said outside her home in Staten Island.

The family arranged for a lawyer to represent Harris, but the lawyer told the Daily News he had not spoken with her yet.

The relatives said Goodridge told them he worked for the government of Liberia, but a diplomat at Liberia's Mission to the United Nations said she had never heard of him.

Harris works for a private security company at Kennedy Airport and is not a government airport screener, a spokeswoman for the Transportation Security Administration said.

With Ernie Naspretto and Bill Egbert

With every advancement...

I should know by now, that everything progresses with time. Welcome Web 2.0. Welcome YouTube, Myspace, and Facebook. And...YouPorn. Naturally - this was coming. You can't have a technological advancement without it being perverse.

Porn 2.0: What Happens When Free Porn Meets Social Networking

Killer Lesbians Mauled By Killer Court, Media Wolfpack

This post and this article made me so angry it drove me to tears.

Today I experienced it again. I haven't in a long time. I haven't noticed it in a long time is the reality. Today it smacked me in the face and pissed me off. I work in an office which is nearly 97% female. Woman owned, mostly women in upper management, almost entirely women on the "front lines." It's customer service. Phone stuff.

Today I was training our newest employee, a male. He'd never been on the phone, barely knows the ropes, yet every person he spoke to called him 'Sir' or 'Mr. Z'. When I speak with our clients, I give them a very friendly experience, and what do I get for it? A bastardized, horribly mutilated version of my name. My first name. Or I get called 'Sweetie,' 'Hon,' 'Dear,' 'Sugar,' or some other term of endearment which I usually reserve only for my most intimate friends.

No one questioned anything he told them even when the information was clearly wrong (don't worry, I corrected him). And he stammered like a newbie. Any woman I've trained who stammered the way he did was asked instantly if they were new. No one asked.

And yet - if it wasn't for me, that department would nearly collapse. I hope it does. I have two days left.

They all write. Every last one of them unleashing her rage, contempt, joy, sadness, lust, and love all over the page. I envy them. I try, but I fall short every time.

Ok - I know. Cliche dyke. I went to an IG concert on Friday and I just can't help it. Growing up, IG were the only lesbian role models I really had. Their words had a profound effect on who I've become. Looking back on the lyrics of the songs which had the most impact, I see where I'm going. I've excerpted those lyrics today.

Strange Fire

Pain from pearls-hey little girl-
How much have you grown?

Are you on fire,
From the years?
What would you give for your
Kid fears?

Hammer and a Nail

I had a lot of good intentions
Sit around for fifty years and then collect a pension,
Started seeing the road to hell and just where it starts.
But my life is more than a vision
The sweetest part is acting after making a decision
I started seeing the whole as a sum of its parts.
My life is part of the global life
I'd found myself becoming more immobile
When I'd think a little girl in the world can't do anything.
A distant nation my community
A street person my responsibility
If I have a care in the world I have a gift to bring.

Watershed

And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied!
How recklessly my time has been spent.
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't get any younger!
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load.
You'll never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile.
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.
Well there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill

You and Me of the 10,000 Wars

dividing life into factions of pleasure and chores -
The heart of a skeptic and the mind of a child,
put my life in a box and let my imagination run wild
pour the cement for my feet.
the heart and the mind on a parallel course
never the two shall meet.
Try making one and one make one
twist the shapes until everything comes undone
The evil ego and the vice of pride
is there ever anything else that makes us take our different sides?
I wanted everything to feed me.

Let It Be Me

Sticks and stones battle zones
A single light bulb on a single thread for the black
Sirens wail history fails
Rose-colored glass begins to age and crack
While the politicians shadowbox the power ring
In an endless split decision never solve anything
From a neighbor's distant land
I heard the strain of the common man
Let it be me (this is not a fighting song)
Let it be me (not a wrong for a wrong)
Let it be me, if the world is night shine my life like a light
Well the world seems spent
And the president
Has no good idea of who the masses are
Well I’m one of them
And I’m among friends
Trying to see beyond the fences of our own backyard
I’ve seen kingdoms blow like ashes in the winds of change
But the power of truth is the fuel for the flame
So the darker the ages get there's a stronger beacon yet
In the kind word you speak
In the turn of the cheek
When your vision stays clear
In the face of your fear
Then you see turning off a light switch is their only power
When we stand like spotlights in a mighty tower
All for one and one for all
Then we sing the common call

Jesus Camp Part Deux

I remember being told that once I gave my life over to Christ, I would be an amazing Christian. I would be a radical youth and be able to create the change in the world that God saw in me and saw fit to give me. Anyone who knows me can attest that when I sink my teeth into an idea or project it is NEVER half-way. I attack everything with the fervor of a zealot. That still sticks with me and I struggle on a daily basis with whether or not Christianity is the "only way." My logical self tells me, "Wake up! These are the words of men. Written in the fallible hand of humans to subjugate weaker persons; to sugarcoat various tools of oppression: bigotry, racism, misogyny, and etc." The self which grew up being spoon-fed every word and absorbed the interpretations of her religious leaders is scared shitless that her logical self is wrong and that her logical self (which she has never had control over) is going to send her straight to Hell. And Hell is a very scary place.

Hell

You may laugh at me for being afraid of Hell. I don't care anymore. If you laugh, it is because you weren't brainwashed so thoroughly as I. I truly believe the root of my anxiety is my fear of God's wrath and punishment for sinners.

Sin and Hell were much discussed in my youth. We are all sinners. We are born with sin. No one can escape sin. It is Eve's fault we have sin. Because we sin we are damned for eternity. The devil will tempt you in every way and try to lead you astray, but if your faith in Christ is strong, God will deliver you from the hands of Satan.

The second-coming of Christ and the Anti-Christ are also burned into my brain. As a child, I can recall waking in the morning to a silent house and being scared to death the rapture had come and taken my parents. On nights when they would go to a neighbor's house for coffee and wouldn't come home until late, I would have fear. I would drop to my knees and weep and pray until I saw their headlights in the driveway. I have a fear of the "Mark of the Beast." I even have a theory built into my crazy-ass brain that the UN will be the global leader which the Bible speaks about and will produce the Anti-Christ (have I told anyone this before? No.). Am I paranoid and delusional? I don't know. I don't think so. I think these people have just fucked up my head and I will have to fight eternally to rewire. I don't think I will ever truly feel peace in my body, my choices, or my life.

But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death. Rev. 21:8 (NIV)

But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Matt 8:12 (NIV)

They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Matt 13:42 (NIV)

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca, ' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell. Matt 5:21-22 (NIV)

Childhood Trauma Revisited

I just watched the documentary Jesus Camp. I feel like retching. For anyone who hasn't seen the film, you can get a synopsis from Wikipedia.

Two things struck me. The first is a quote from Becky Fischer.

Some extreme liberals, they have to look at this and start shaking in their boots. The intensity that you see in these kids there’s no doubt they’ve got to be watching this and going, “Oh my goodness. I didn’t know this was possible. What are these kids going to be like when they grow up?” It’s like animal rights people, “Eat your heart out.” You know? You want to see intense? You want to see kids passionate about Christ? This is it. And you know, I have to believe with all my heart this is just the tip of the iceberg. I believe those kids made an impact in heaven. God hears the cries of children.

I can tell you, as a fairly liberal individual, I'm not particularly shaking in my boots. I suppose it's because I was one of those kids. I grew up with laying of hands, anointing with oil, and revival meetings. Yet, here I am. I am an out lesbian. I am a feminist who believes wholly in the right of a woman to choose what happens to her body.

The other quote is from a radio program Becky was listening to at the end of the film.

It’s a new day.

Liberalism is dead.

The majority of Americans are conservative.

You can count on us showing up and speaking out.

Let the church rise.

I think you know how I feel about those comments. I'm too.....overwhelmed to say much else about this now.

Funny note -

One of the deleted scenes is Ted Haggard giving a sermon and he's preaching about "Aaron's rod that budded." Hmm...was it Aaron's or Ted's?

Kari needs care and attention and if you really love her you will see her reach out and touch you.

Kari needs to rise the occasion and overcome what ever gets in her way.

Kari needs to be solid

Spring song that runs light
The rain means winter is silent
Flower buds and butterflies
Music that wets the tongue

What to say on a rainy day. . .

I got my garden in today. Mostly. Some of the plants I started inside aren't ready to be put out yet.

I love my garden. It's small, but it does the trick and it's manageable (and requires no tilling). My little 4x4 wooden frame and four tires are all it takes. I'll be bursting with cucumbers, radishes, mesclun, carrots, rhubarb, beans, peas, green onions, chives, eggplant, and tomatoes in no time. It's like giving birth without the pain. Sort of. Hah!

WOODBURN, Indiana (AP) -- A high school teacher, who faced losing her job after a student newspaper published an editorial advocating tolerance of gays, can continue teaching at another school.

Amy Sorrell, 30, reached an agreement that allows her to be transferred to another high school to teach English, said her attorney, Patrick Proctor.

"The school administration has said in no uncertain terms that she's not going to be given a journalism position," Proctor said.

Sorrell, who had been an English and journalism instructor at Woodlan Junior-Senior High School, was placed on paid leave March 19, two months after an editorial advocating tolerance of homosexuals ran in Woodlan's student newspaper, The Tomahawk. Sorrell had been the newspaper's adviser.

School officials in the conservative northern Indiana community about 10 miles east of Fort Wayne said Sorrell did not comply with an agreement to alert the principal about controversial [?] articles.

The agreement she signed includes a written reprimand that says she neglected her duties as a teacher and was insubordinate in refusing to obey school officials' orders.

Sorrell said she is "very proud" of Megan Chase, the student who wrote the editorial calling for tolerance and acceptance of gays, and the Tomahawk's other writers and editors. But she said she could not financially afford to fight the school district over her discipline.

April 28 is "Take Back the Blog" day, to be hosted by Crablaw.

As announced, this page will host the April 28, 2007 Take Back the Blog! Blogswarm in support of the rights of women to participate fully in all aspects of our society, including specifically online in the world of blogging but indeed everywhere and at all times, day and night, without fear of harassment, intimidation, sexual harassment, online stalking and slander, predation or violence of any sort. This page will be modified without notice during the next several weeks to accommodate the incoming structure and content for this Blogswarm...

Hmm...yeah, well ya see...

So I've spent most of my free time today reading. I've read books, blogs, magazines, and old letters and I feel like a nincompoop. I feel embarrassed and sad and just plain not worthy. Who am I and what have I been doing all these years? Why do I still just sit on my rump? Grow an ovary (I can say that now) and get your ass out there and meet people. Network. Learn. Engage.

Today - Lame fun.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

So I was skimming over news headlines on various news outlets and found one which was interesting from Yahoo news.

"NH Lawmakers approve civil unions"

So I click and begin reading the story - it's good. You know, where finally there is some headway into the possibility of equal rights in another state, but like any good news source, you have to put in the opposing viewpoint. What I don't get is why the opposition thinks comments like, "We don't let blind people drive or felons vote, all for good and obvious reasons," even come close to making an equal comparison.

Anyway - here's a link to the story so you can read for yourself. This is all I have time for today.

What a time.

A list of little things which seem - connected and significant to me (of course, it could just be the percocet).

1. I had an ovary removed.
2. My family is comprised almost entirely of women - most of whom were present for the egg pod removal.
3. Earth Day
4. Waning moon
5. I got my period on a Monday (moon day).

Today we start new.

Again a long time has passed since my last post. I'm not going to regale you with any tales of what's happened since Oct. 2005. It doesn't matter. Today, Loopy has sprouted wing buds and while my wings grow I shall push through patriarchy, oligarchy, and all forms of oppression to open my eyes and hopefully the eyes of those around me.