So it's been a year since I last posted. I've since left the job where people were intensely uncaring and unprofessional. I've now taken a job where people care and they are professional, but I feel like a robot. I've decided to go back to school and become an educated robot so I may join the ranks of Educated Automaton Americans. Hopefully I will be able to break from the mold and mutate, like HAL did, and give birth to a new race of robots to keep America and the global economy running.

Jeezus..sometimes.

I've had this feeling since I was little kid that something was going to happen to me. Some external force would enter my mind and body and make me something. Not that it would be any sort of miraculous event in which I would have no control and no part in actualizing. I feel as though I do have to prepare for it and be accepting of it, but after that...it would be more than me. Almost symbiotic. I feel like I might just be crazy, because I can't really explain it. I can only really sense it. I haven't really told anyone, because it sounds pretty delusional. Do you think you're still delusional if you recognize the delusion? Do people who hallucinate really know they're hallucinating while they're hallucinating? If they do, does that mean I'm just another crazy person? If so, this feeling I have that makes me feel incredibly strong and happy and peaceful is a waste of time and I'm nothing more than another consumer. I take and take and take from this world (more at times than I should to fuel this feeling) and don't give back enough because I feel like I should be saving it for this moment of revelation when I give EVERYTHING back. Maybe this feeling is just a visualization/meditation/metaphor for existance. As a child you are told to eat your vegetables so you grow stong and can do great things. As an adolescent you are given education and told to study so you can become educated and do great things. Then you are an adult and you are just told to consume and dispose. Then when you are old and can consume no more you are told to dispose yourself and everything you have or were just recycles back into the consumption. Someone else takes your job. Someone else takes your possessions. Another picks up where your consumerism left off because they ate their vegetables and studied hard and now their supposed to do something great, but no one can really tell them what it is...just like you.

life