Jesus Camp Part Deux

I remember being told that once I gave my life over to Christ, I would be an amazing Christian. I would be a radical youth and be able to create the change in the world that God saw in me and saw fit to give me. Anyone who knows me can attest that when I sink my teeth into an idea or project it is NEVER half-way. I attack everything with the fervor of a zealot. That still sticks with me and I struggle on a daily basis with whether or not Christianity is the "only way." My logical self tells me, "Wake up! These are the words of men. Written in the fallible hand of humans to subjugate weaker persons; to sugarcoat various tools of oppression: bigotry, racism, misogyny, and etc." The self which grew up being spoon-fed every word and absorbed the interpretations of her religious leaders is scared shitless that her logical self is wrong and that her logical self (which she has never had control over) is going to send her straight to Hell. And Hell is a very scary place.

Hell

You may laugh at me for being afraid of Hell. I don't care anymore. If you laugh, it is because you weren't brainwashed so thoroughly as I. I truly believe the root of my anxiety is my fear of God's wrath and punishment for sinners.

Sin and Hell were much discussed in my youth. We are all sinners. We are born with sin. No one can escape sin. It is Eve's fault we have sin. Because we sin we are damned for eternity. The devil will tempt you in every way and try to lead you astray, but if your faith in Christ is strong, God will deliver you from the hands of Satan.

The second-coming of Christ and the Anti-Christ are also burned into my brain. As a child, I can recall waking in the morning to a silent house and being scared to death the rapture had come and taken my parents. On nights when they would go to a neighbor's house for coffee and wouldn't come home until late, I would have fear. I would drop to my knees and weep and pray until I saw their headlights in the driveway. I have a fear of the "Mark of the Beast." I even have a theory built into my crazy-ass brain that the UN will be the global leader which the Bible speaks about and will produce the Anti-Christ (have I told anyone this before? No.). Am I paranoid and delusional? I don't know. I don't think so. I think these people have just fucked up my head and I will have to fight eternally to rewire. I don't think I will ever truly feel peace in my body, my choices, or my life.

But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death. Rev. 21:8 (NIV)

But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Matt 8:12 (NIV)

They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Matt 13:42 (NIV)

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca, ' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell. Matt 5:21-22 (NIV)