Today I experienced it again. I haven't in a long time. I haven't noticed it in a long time is the reality. Today it smacked me in the face and pissed me off. I work in an office which is nearly 97% female. Woman owned, mostly women in upper management, almost entirely women on the "front lines." It's customer service. Phone stuff.

Today I was training our newest employee, a male. He'd never been on the phone, barely knows the ropes, yet every person he spoke to called him 'Sir' or 'Mr. Z'. When I speak with our clients, I give them a very friendly experience, and what do I get for it? A bastardized, horribly mutilated version of my name. My first name. Or I get called 'Sweetie,' 'Hon,' 'Dear,' 'Sugar,' or some other term of endearment which I usually reserve only for my most intimate friends.

No one questioned anything he told them even when the information was clearly wrong (don't worry, I corrected him). And he stammered like a newbie. Any woman I've trained who stammered the way he did was asked instantly if they were new. No one asked.

And yet - if it wasn't for me, that department would nearly collapse. I hope it does. I have two days left.

They all write. Every last one of them unleashing her rage, contempt, joy, sadness, lust, and love all over the page. I envy them. I try, but I fall short every time.

Ok - I know. Cliche dyke. I went to an IG concert on Friday and I just can't help it. Growing up, IG were the only lesbian role models I really had. Their words had a profound effect on who I've become. Looking back on the lyrics of the songs which had the most impact, I see where I'm going. I've excerpted those lyrics today.

Strange Fire

Pain from pearls-hey little girl-
How much have you grown?

Are you on fire,
From the years?
What would you give for your
Kid fears?

Hammer and a Nail

I had a lot of good intentions
Sit around for fifty years and then collect a pension,
Started seeing the road to hell and just where it starts.
But my life is more than a vision
The sweetest part is acting after making a decision
I started seeing the whole as a sum of its parts.
My life is part of the global life
I'd found myself becoming more immobile
When I'd think a little girl in the world can't do anything.
A distant nation my community
A street person my responsibility
If I have a care in the world I have a gift to bring.

Watershed

And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied!
How recklessly my time has been spent.
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't get any younger!
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load.
You'll never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile.
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.
Well there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill

You and Me of the 10,000 Wars

dividing life into factions of pleasure and chores -
The heart of a skeptic and the mind of a child,
put my life in a box and let my imagination run wild
pour the cement for my feet.
the heart and the mind on a parallel course
never the two shall meet.
Try making one and one make one
twist the shapes until everything comes undone
The evil ego and the vice of pride
is there ever anything else that makes us take our different sides?
I wanted everything to feed me.

Let It Be Me

Sticks and stones battle zones
A single light bulb on a single thread for the black
Sirens wail history fails
Rose-colored glass begins to age and crack
While the politicians shadowbox the power ring
In an endless split decision never solve anything
From a neighbor's distant land
I heard the strain of the common man
Let it be me (this is not a fighting song)
Let it be me (not a wrong for a wrong)
Let it be me, if the world is night shine my life like a light
Well the world seems spent
And the president
Has no good idea of who the masses are
Well I’m one of them
And I’m among friends
Trying to see beyond the fences of our own backyard
I’ve seen kingdoms blow like ashes in the winds of change
But the power of truth is the fuel for the flame
So the darker the ages get there's a stronger beacon yet
In the kind word you speak
In the turn of the cheek
When your vision stays clear
In the face of your fear
Then you see turning off a light switch is their only power
When we stand like spotlights in a mighty tower
All for one and one for all
Then we sing the common call

Jesus Camp Part Deux

I remember being told that once I gave my life over to Christ, I would be an amazing Christian. I would be a radical youth and be able to create the change in the world that God saw in me and saw fit to give me. Anyone who knows me can attest that when I sink my teeth into an idea or project it is NEVER half-way. I attack everything with the fervor of a zealot. That still sticks with me and I struggle on a daily basis with whether or not Christianity is the "only way." My logical self tells me, "Wake up! These are the words of men. Written in the fallible hand of humans to subjugate weaker persons; to sugarcoat various tools of oppression: bigotry, racism, misogyny, and etc." The self which grew up being spoon-fed every word and absorbed the interpretations of her religious leaders is scared shitless that her logical self is wrong and that her logical self (which she has never had control over) is going to send her straight to Hell. And Hell is a very scary place.

Hell

You may laugh at me for being afraid of Hell. I don't care anymore. If you laugh, it is because you weren't brainwashed so thoroughly as I. I truly believe the root of my anxiety is my fear of God's wrath and punishment for sinners.

Sin and Hell were much discussed in my youth. We are all sinners. We are born with sin. No one can escape sin. It is Eve's fault we have sin. Because we sin we are damned for eternity. The devil will tempt you in every way and try to lead you astray, but if your faith in Christ is strong, God will deliver you from the hands of Satan.

The second-coming of Christ and the Anti-Christ are also burned into my brain. As a child, I can recall waking in the morning to a silent house and being scared to death the rapture had come and taken my parents. On nights when they would go to a neighbor's house for coffee and wouldn't come home until late, I would have fear. I would drop to my knees and weep and pray until I saw their headlights in the driveway. I have a fear of the "Mark of the Beast." I even have a theory built into my crazy-ass brain that the UN will be the global leader which the Bible speaks about and will produce the Anti-Christ (have I told anyone this before? No.). Am I paranoid and delusional? I don't know. I don't think so. I think these people have just fucked up my head and I will have to fight eternally to rewire. I don't think I will ever truly feel peace in my body, my choices, or my life.

But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death. Rev. 21:8 (NIV)

But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Matt 8:12 (NIV)

They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Matt 13:42 (NIV)

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca, ' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell. Matt 5:21-22 (NIV)

Childhood Trauma Revisited

I just watched the documentary Jesus Camp. I feel like retching. For anyone who hasn't seen the film, you can get a synopsis from Wikipedia.

Two things struck me. The first is a quote from Becky Fischer.

Some extreme liberals, they have to look at this and start shaking in their boots. The intensity that you see in these kids there’s no doubt they’ve got to be watching this and going, “Oh my goodness. I didn’t know this was possible. What are these kids going to be like when they grow up?” It’s like animal rights people, “Eat your heart out.” You know? You want to see intense? You want to see kids passionate about Christ? This is it. And you know, I have to believe with all my heart this is just the tip of the iceberg. I believe those kids made an impact in heaven. God hears the cries of children.

I can tell you, as a fairly liberal individual, I'm not particularly shaking in my boots. I suppose it's because I was one of those kids. I grew up with laying of hands, anointing with oil, and revival meetings. Yet, here I am. I am an out lesbian. I am a feminist who believes wholly in the right of a woman to choose what happens to her body.

The other quote is from a radio program Becky was listening to at the end of the film.

It’s a new day.

Liberalism is dead.

The majority of Americans are conservative.

You can count on us showing up and speaking out.

Let the church rise.

I think you know how I feel about those comments. I'm too.....overwhelmed to say much else about this now.

Funny note -

One of the deleted scenes is Ted Haggard giving a sermon and he's preaching about "Aaron's rod that budded." Hmm...was it Aaron's or Ted's?